Hello Purgatory

Dear St. Peter,

Let me first inform you that I am ecstatic to learn about the existence of Purgatory. It is also wonderful to hear that you still maintain democracy in the Afterlife. A wonderful testament to how this form of government works! Say, "Hi" to God for me by the way.

Anyways, about your request: I am afraid there is no way in Hell (oh, wait, in Purgatory) that the United States Federal Government can secure the funds you are asking for. Unfortunately, like you, we are in a recession and have already given out too many stimulus bills. This would crush the government, the taxpayers, and decrease my administration's approval rating.

I have a suggestion, however. Why don't you have a form of currency in Purgatory, and then tax your own citizens to come up with the money you want from us? Become self-reliant on your own taxpayers instead of ours. As they say, "Give a government official a taxpayer, and he gets tax money for a day. Teach a man to make taxpayers, and he gets tax money for a lifetime." I am sorry that we are not able to meet your request, Saint Peter. Please stay in touch.

Sincerely,



Barack Obama
President of the United States of America.

Dear, Mr. President...

Mr. President,
I am writing you on behalf of the newly discovered Purgatory. I am a representative of District # 5 of Purgatory. We request the United States assistance in coming out of this economic downturn. I read about you in the newspaper and hear you giving out free bailouts. The Prime Minister of Purgatory, um i guess God has asked for a bailout of 275 billion Dollars which is 7 trillion here in purgatory. Of course you are very familiar with trillions and compared to your recent spending this should be nothing.

Let me inform you of the day we were found so you can get some background information.
It was a few days ago when we were praparing for our state and local elections. I was heading out to vote and then I saw a flash of light, and a portal opened. Out from this came three earthlings. One was quite tall and had short hair. The other was some what tall with a very interesting way of speaking. The third was on the short side, and looked like a mushroom.

Then i heard a shoud "This is Purgatory!" I was amazed. could this be the day we are finaly discovered? Later more and more people had found us and each came with a bowl of soup. They quickly adapted the laws and ways of Purgatory. Now back to business. We here in Purgatory are in the middle of a recession. We could like a bailout. We have seen how well you have managed to ruin, er-um help your Auto Industry by robbing-i mean using money given to you by the tax payers.

We are a prime economic giant and if we were to go under the world would suffer around the globe. I hope you and your economic team will see to do this and help out.

--Sincerley,
St. Peter
Purgatory Representative Dist. #5

We Must Tell the World

Arthur Simmons writing.

My friends, it seems that you've all finally come to believe that the indoor pool discovered at our swim party is not just any old pool, but Purgatory! Now, it seems that all of you truly believe this, but there are a couple of things that make me that there are others who don't.

First of all, Maxwell, Draw, Benny-J, and myself all tried to convince others who were in Purgatory that it was Purgatory. When people entered, we would say, "Welcome to Purgatory," and when they left we would say, "You are now leaving Purgatory." We also tried to tell the old people swimming that they were in Purgatory. Unfortunately, NO ONE BELIEVED US! We even told Maxwell's mother that we had gone to Purgatory. She took it as a joke, saying things like, "Are you better because of it?" and, "Did you meet any friends there?" Other adults said similar things.

This is an issue of national, if not international, concern. The world must know that we have found the entrance to Purgatory. Also, from this blog, it appears that there's another man named Mark Greenman who has died and is now stuck in Purgatory. His story must be made public, as well. Not to forget the fact that it truly pains me heart to see all the old people swimming like snails in that pool, not knowing that they could be swimming for a very, very, VERY long time.

Anyone who can attest to the fact that we have found Purgatory, please do so. Beware, however, that there will be lots of media and religious authorities who will want to investigate this. No doubt the Vatican will send a number of their clergy to look into this matter more deeply. Be prepared for this.

If any of you do write on this blog about your experiences in Purgatory, please don't forget to leave your name. This is Arthur Simmons, signing off.

From Joke to Jesus waiting land

Malky Gregarione reporting.

At first, I thought it was a joke. I was at the pool party, watching my friends Maxwell and Arthur run in and out of indoor pool area they deemed "Purgatory." When it was first discovered, the Purgatory believers, or "Purgatorians" as they called themselves, had fun with the idea that Purgatory existed in an Earthbound health club where senior citizens swam at the pace of a snail. The Purgatorians flitted around, laughing like monkeys who had stumbled upon a golden banana. Quickly, however, the playfulness in their eyes gave way to nervous fear, then to solemn certainty that this indoor pool was purgatory headquarters. 

I observed them go through this transition, from giddy to aghast, not thinking much of it. Then I read their disturbing blog entries depicting the absolutely horrifying aspects of purgatory, and I, too, became a Purgatorian. I cannot deny their eyewitness reports. I saw the same things they saw, but with an ignorant mind. I made no assumptions or connections.

I had always thought of  Purgatory as that place in the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go. You know, the waiting place, where "everyone is just waiting."  Now, the waiting place and the indoor pool are obviously very similar. Purgatory exists in this health club. I am sure. 

A Letter to Arthur Simmons from Mark Greenman

Arthur Simmonds,
I appreciate your letter and all it's sentiments, but it was the wrong day to send it. Actually, it was more like the wrong day for me to receive it. See, this morning was the worst day, week, whatever of my friggin short life!

Okay, first I'm going to give you some more info about my Purgatory. As I've discovered, most of the time, Purgatory covers at least the city that this health club is in. Even the outdoor pool. I actually went out there once. The weather was pretty nice. It was around the 70s Farenheight (don't know how to spell that word) and a little breezy. Once, I got in there and started swimming, hoping that I could possibly pass by the rest of my possibly-eternal-possibly-not life in Purgatory swimming there. For some reason, I can only swim so long before I get bored. Swimming is fun and all, but I can't do the same thing for days on end. It gets really boring.

See, that's what you don't get, Arthur... Peace. Is. Boring. I don't know how the old people do it for so long.

Anyway, let me explain why today was the worst day of my life. It's been about a week since I came here (I know that the blog archive says it came a day later, but time passes differently in Purgatory). So, I was just sitting in the hot tub, very bored. The heat was kind of making me dizzy, which was fun, so I just sat there. Anyway, when I started to feel nauseated, I got out of the hot tub (I'd thrown up too many times for it to be fun). So, I walked by the windows to go to the pool when I looked up and saw a huge crowd around the outside pool. At first, I was a bit confused. I was wondering if like a school bus went off a cliff or something because they were all kids like me. Then, I recognized one of the faces. It was one of my earthly friends, Rohario Mohalez (I don't think that's his real name. I take Spanish and I know the way he pronounces it does not match up with the way it's spelled. I'm not sure, but I think he may be running from the Russian mafia or something. It couldn't be the American mafia, seeing as he'd be trying to hide from the American mafia in America. I'm pretty sure he's not that dumb. But hey, it's been known to happen.)

Sorry about that tangent, I'm trying to distract myself from the horrible sadness that's taken me over. Anyway, I started paying close attention to the faces, and recognized them all. They were all from my school! I realized that they were having the School's Out! pool party. A black banner caught my eye. It read "In Memory of Mark Greenman". Everyone out there was really sad, I could tell. But me, I was ecstatic. Here it was! My chance to enter the real world and see my friends again! I ran to the door and reached out to push it open. Still running, I put all my weight behind my hands as they hit the door. The door didn't move an inch. My elbows buckled and my momentum propelled the rest of my body into the door. CRASH! My face hit the door last, before my whole body bounced backward. I tipped over onto the ground. I could feel blood rushing out of my nose; it was broken. I got up, dazed. Then I ran at the door again. It didn't move. I pushed the door, I kicked it, I punched it. I pounded the door over and over again. I started crying. I didn't care. All I wanted was to be with my friends again.

"Let me out!" I screamed. "Let me out, please!" I continued pounding. "LET ME OUT!" I pounded on that door for a long time. My arms grew tired, but I kept pounding. My throat burned, but I kept screaming. I was desperate to be in the real world. I'd never wanted anything more than this. My vision blurred, and I felt myself fall to the ground and fade away...

When I woke up, they were gone. I couldn't move, I was so physically and emotionally spent. I just laid there for what seemed like an eternity...

Checking the blog, I can't imagine trying to make good out of this situation. Maybe later, but not now...

Sincerely,
Mark Greenman

A Letter to Mark Greenman from Arthur Simmons

Dear Mark Greenman,

I would first like to extend my most sincere apologies for what is happening to you. I don't know how or why you are apparently dead and stuck in Purgatory while for us it is some kind of real location on the Earth that we can enter and exit at will. Second, if you're Purgatory is anything like the one here, which it seems to be, I wouldn't see the situation as entirely negative. It's nice, warm, and peaceful. Perhaps you should try making a settlement in the room with the pool. Also, you made the comment that you will have to watch old guys swim for an eternity. If Catholicism is right about this, and it's been right so far, then Purgatory is not eternal. You will eventually be released into Heaven (for more information on this, ask the great theologian Maxwell.) I am curious, though, how you are able to access the Internet in Purgatory. It seems like something not permissible here (read pt. 2 of my blog for the moral rules of living in Purgatory.) Please keep in touch with us and let us know if anything comes up.

Sincerely,



Arthur Simmons.

THIS IS PISSING ME OFF!

Hi guys. I'm the first guy, by the way. Sorry about the confusion, we'll post our names from now on. I'm Mark, by the way, Mark Greenman. Anyway, let me start by giving you guys a little bit of info I've learned about Purgatory:

IT SUCKS!!!!! I mean, I ran for miles through an empty city before I figured out that this was actually PURGATORY! Then, I had to run all the way back to the health club/purgatory headquarters. Once there, I went into the locker room, locked myself in the stall, and screamed my head off. Eventually I lost my voice. Didn't matter, because apparently no one TALKS IN PURGATORY!!!!!!!!!! I mean, after that old dude told me where I was, no one talked to me. They just sit in chairs, swim like turtles (I'm trying to be P.C., you know what I'd say), and DON'T TALK!

Another piece of info: Somehow, we do get internet in Purgatory. Ask me how, my answer will be, "Do not know, bugger off!" The only thing is, this internet has the speed of dial-up divided by ten! It's slower than death. It literally took me ten minutes to connect to this page. I guess cross God-land internet is pretty slow. Anyway, I needed some way to get my emotions out without destroying my voice (again), so I blogged to you guys. Thanks for listening!

Info #3: I checked the blog later, and discovered that other people had posted to it. I read their posts, and got really, really, MAD! So, when I went to purgatory, I had to get hit by a bus (that's just my guess, not actual, proven fact) to get to Purgatory! I had to die! I'll never see my friends again! In return, I get to watch old guys swim in a frickin pool for all of eternity (with this attitude, I don't think I'll be "moving on"). The "others" seem to be able to come and go as they please. Well, HOW NICE FOR YOU! I hope you're reading this, other people, because if I see a kid sitting by those windows telling me "Welcome to Purgatory" I will slap him until he cries! But, since I've never seen them, I'm guessing that they're in a different Purgatory. Lucky them!

Have a GREAT LIFE, cause I won't!

-Mark Greenman

P.S. "Others," please sign your names when you post, even though the readers could probably differentiate between my uncontrollable rage and your "sense of adventure."

Another Perspective on This Odd Place, Pt. 3

Arthur Simmons reporting.

Now that it was absolutely, surely, undeniably certain that we had discovered Purgatory, we had to evangelize others about this belief. Also, there was another pressing question that could not go unanswered in our hearts: If this was Purgatory, why could we not find Heaven or Hell?

First, to evangelize others all of us believers stood at the entrance and exit to Purgatory. When someone came in, we would say, "Welcome to Purgatory," or, "You are now entering Purgatory." When someone left, we would say, "You are now leaving Purgatory," or, "You are exiting Purgatory." We tried to convince the old people swimming that they were also in Purgatory, but they would not listen. The vast majority of people seemed to understand what we meant, but they did not seem to believe that this was in fact Purgatory and not some health club's swimming pool.

Although most of the people who we shared our findings with knew what Purgatory was, a few did not. Alexandra was one of these people. She boldly asked, "What is Purgatory?" Maxwell, a great theologian, responded, "Purgatory is a place in the Catholic tradition where many dead people go to be purified of their sins before entering Heaven." Absolutely beautifully said. I could not have put it any better myself. I reminded myself to encourage Maxwell to find some kind of theological career when he grew up. A Catholic priest would seem the most fitting with his vast collection of knowledge on that particular religion.

As mentioned above, we were still wondering where Heaven and Hell were located. If Purgatory was easily found on Earth, shouldn't they be too? And how come only a very small number of dead inhabited Purgatory from the way we saw it? Shouldn't there be many more people in it? The answers to all of these questions would be answered in time.

First, we decided that the pool party outside the exit to Purgatory was Heaven. It was a nice, beautiful place with many happy people, good food, and a nice pool (although, oddly enough, Purgatory had a pool as well.) As for Hell, it was decided amongst all of us that the locker rooms that we came out of must have been Hell. There was a burning sauna room in here, presumably the fire that picture people when they think of Hell. There was also a news magazine that implied the Republican Party was dead, obviously Hellish. There were old naked men taking showers (no further comments necessary.) Yes, this was definitely Hell.

Now, there was still the pressing question of why so few people were occupying any of these three areas, Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. Teeler thought of an answer that we all generally accepted. These were simply places in the afterlife from our dimension. There would be countless other Purgatories, Heavens, and Hells, just from other people's point's of views. Now that we had all of these questions figured out, one last question remained: How had we been able to travel to the world of the dead if we ourselves were, in fact, not dead?

Another Perspective on This Odd Place, Pt. 2

Note: This is an Arthur Simmons posting

What started out as a joke became hard-core religious belief for us. We had found Purgatory! This was it. And now we came to realize that it was nowhere near as bad as the Catholic Church had made it out to be.

Purgatory was a farily big room, about 20 ft. by 30 ft. There was a large pool in the middle of it, a small hot tub to the side, some strange pictographs depicting human figures in motion on a wall, some closests and other objects scattered hear and there, and some observatory windows, where, we assumed, God watched. The room itself was farily dark (although there were some hanging lights) and fairly warm. As mentioned before, it was harder to breathe in Purgatory than in the real world. A very distinctive feature of Purgatory, though, was the fact that many old men and women were swimming in its pool, moving unbelievably slowly.

Now, my friends and I found Purgatory absolutely fascinating. It was like Heaven on Earth for us (no religious reference or pun intended). One of my friends, Maxwell, was also convinced that we had discovered Purgatory. Another, Teeler, felt quite the opposite, holding in the tradition of Classical Lutheran Protestantism that Purgatory didn't exist. And others like Michke and Benny-J were simply shocked at the revelation that we had finally discovered the location of Purgatory.

I recall at that fateful swim party when Maxwell, Draw, and I introduced Benny-J to Purgatory. He seemed very distraught and sad, so we thought that it might cheer him up. "Whaa," he said when he saw it. Still, he was very weak and frail. We all sat down at a table in Purgatory. "I'm so sad," he commented, "I'm never going to be able to have kids." He then began to close his eyes and go to sleep. I became very concerned with this, and started to think about all of the moral guidelines and rules in Purgatory. "No," I said, "You are not allowed to sleep in Purgatory." With that, all four of us left and went back outside.

Now, this brought up an important topic for me: What was permissible to do in Purgatory? Obviously, you could not sleep, and Maxwell, Teeler, myself, and another friend named J-Ban decided that talking loudly was not permitted in Purgatory. When J-Ban asked Maxwell why, he simply said, "You must talk quietly in Purgatory." Immediately after saying this, a rather loud, gregarious friend of ours named Jackson was about to open the door to Purgatory and come inside with us. Maxwell recognized right away what would happen. "Now that I just said you have to talk quietly, watch Jackson come in here and scream," Maxwell said. As if a prophet in Purgatory, he was right. Jackson threw open the door, came walking in, and screamed, "Hey!!!" at all of us. Maxwell laughed hysterically at this. I failed to remind him that laughter is not typically allowed in Purgatory.

my day in purgatory

So. It began today. It wad the last day of school. We went to a pool to celebrate. First we came and I was in this mysterious room filled with lockers. I wasn't sure where I was, so I followed the hall until I came to a door. I went in and there standing before me was a dude.

The dude was tall and he had long hair and a mustache. I went up to him and asked him where I was. He then let out a loud shout "This is purgatory" I was like "what?" he said yes purgatory. And I told him I had no idea what he was talking about.

He told me to look around. I did. As far as I could tell I had no idea where I was. Then I turned around and I could not believe what I saw.


- to be continued -

Another Perspective on This Odd Place

Note: I am not the same person who made the previous blog entry. He is Mark Greenman. I am Arthur Simmons. I am just another one of the people who discovered this Purgatory.

Anyways, I had done close to the exact same things that my friend had done in the previous entry. I was exiting the locker room at a health club to go outside to the pool for a swim party on the last day of school. On the way, I came into a strange dark room with a large pool, smaller hot tub, and lots of other strange objects and very old people doing laps slower than sloths move. Now, for some reason, it immediately occurred to me that I had to be in Purgatory! It was a warm, dark, somewhat peaceful place, but at the same time kind of annoying and a little hard to breathe in, and I wanted to get out of it.

Now, for my religious history: I had never been terribly religious in my life. Sure, I believed in God and tried to follow his ways and everything, but I was definitely not a Bible-toting religious extremist or anything. I did have a Catholic father though, so I knew very well the doctrine of Purgatory. Like the vast majority of modern-day Catholics, I thought it was a doctrine not to be taken entirely literally (i.e. it's not millions of years in a place basically like Hell) and I thought that Medieval Christians using it to gain financial support were definitely doing the wrong thing with it. However, I saw nothing wrong with the teachings of Purgatory as a whole.

So, with two other friends, I found a door that led outside to the pool. When I got outside, I said to one of them, Maxwell, "Hey, that room seemed an awful lot like Purgatory, you know?" He laughed pretty hard (he laughs at most things) and replied, "Yes. It is Purgatory in there."

Now, initially this was just a little joke between some of my friends and me, but we would come back many, many times to this extremely odd, and yet extremely fascinating, place.

Departure and Arrival

So, it was just a normal day. Well, I guess it wasn't. It was the my last day ever at a school I'd been attending for 9 years. It was bittersweet.

Anyway, I'd just finished signing my friends' yearbooks (there were a lot of mistakes, as usual. Honestly, how is it so hard to differentiate between Math Club and Math Counts?) and I was walking to the bus that was going to take us to a pool party. So, my friend came up to me. He was sad that I was going, so he gave me a hug. I said, "I'll see you over the summer," and he said, "Yeah, but I'm still sad," and I said, "I know." Then we broke the hug and I turned around and walked forward. I saw a streak of yellow and... I don't know.

Suddenly, the air felt really heavy and thick. My eyes were closed for some reason. I opened my mouth to breath. Instead of air, fluid gushed into my lungs. I tried to yell and scream, but I couldn't. Instinctively, I jumped up, and I felt my head break out into air. I coughed up about half the water right there. I opened my eyes and saw through my blurry vision that I was in a pool. I swum to the edge, pulled myself out, and coughed up the rest of the water. What the heck is going on?

I turned my head to the side and saw a wrinkled, liver spot-covered foot in front of me. I looked up, and saw a wrinkled, liver spot-covered man in a Speedo that came with the food.

"Hello!" he said in a stereotypical old man voice. I just laid there, slightly in shock. "Welcome to Purgatory!"

I, being a slightly agnostic but mostly faithful Lutheran who believed that Purgatory was a scam made up by the Catholic Church in the olden days used to make poor people give them money, said, "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope," he said. "You're in Purgatory."

I scoffed (fun word!) at him. "Okay, even if that were true, how would you know that we're in Purgatory?"

He explained, "Well, I'm not completely sure, but I've been here for quite a long time. Years, I think. The last thing I remember was climbing a very large mountain, I can't remember which, and then I slipped and fell for a while. Suddenly, I was laying in a hot tub."

I took this opportunity to examine where I was. We were in a closed room, about thirty by twenty feet. In it was a large pool and a hot tub. There were more people swimming laps. Very slowly. Like turtles (no offense to turtle lovers). "I still don't believe you," I said. Spotting a door, I marched to it, opened it, and continued marching. I reached a room that appeared to be a lobby for a health club or something. There were a few more people there, just sitting on chairs, doing nothing. I left the club and found that there was a city outside. So I kept walking, and walking, and walking... Trying to figure out where the heck I was.

I didn't like the answer.