Dear St. Peter,
Let me first inform you that I am ecstatic to learn about the existence of Purgatory. It is also wonderful to hear that you still maintain democracy in the Afterlife. A wonderful testament to how this form of government works! Say, "Hi" to God for me by the way.
Anyways, about your request: I am afraid there is no way in Hell (oh, wait, in Purgatory) that the United States Federal Government can secure the funds you are asking for. Unfortunately, like you, we are in a recession and have already given out too many stimulus bills. This would crush the government, the taxpayers, and decrease my administration's approval rating.
I have a suggestion, however. Why don't you have a form of currency in Purgatory, and then tax your own citizens to come up with the money you want from us? Become self-reliant on your own taxpayers instead of ours. As they say, "Give a government official a taxpayer, and he gets tax money for a day. Teach a man to make taxpayers, and he gets tax money for a lifetime." I am sorry that we are not able to meet your request, Saint Peter. Please stay in touch.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama
President of the United States of America.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Dear, Mr. President...
Mr. President,
I am writing you on behalf of the newly discovered Purgatory. I am a representative of District # 5 of Purgatory. We request the United States assistance in coming out of this economic downturn. I read about you in the newspaper and hear you giving out free bailouts. The Prime Minister of Purgatory, um i guess God has asked for a bailout of 275 billion Dollars which is 7 trillion here in purgatory. Of course you are very familiar with trillions and compared to your recent spending this should be nothing.
Let me inform you of the day we were found so you can get some background information.
It was a few days ago when we were praparing for our state and local elections. I was heading out to vote and then I saw a flash of light, and a portal opened. Out from this came three earthlings. One was quite tall and had short hair. The other was some what tall with a very interesting way of speaking. The third was on the short side, and looked like a mushroom.
Then i heard a shoud "This is Purgatory!" I was amazed. could this be the day we are finaly discovered? Later more and more people had found us and each came with a bowl of soup. They quickly adapted the laws and ways of Purgatory. Now back to business. We here in Purgatory are in the middle of a recession. We could like a bailout. We have seen how well you have managed to ruin, er-um help your Auto Industry by robbing-i mean using money given to you by the tax payers.
We are a prime economic giant and if we were to go under the world would suffer around the globe. I hope you and your economic team will see to do this and help out.
--Sincerley,
St. Peter
Purgatory Representative Dist. #5
I am writing you on behalf of the newly discovered Purgatory. I am a representative of District # 5 of Purgatory. We request the United States assistance in coming out of this economic downturn. I read about you in the newspaper and hear you giving out free bailouts. The Prime Minister of Purgatory, um i guess God has asked for a bailout of 275 billion Dollars which is 7 trillion here in purgatory. Of course you are very familiar with trillions and compared to your recent spending this should be nothing.
Let me inform you of the day we were found so you can get some background information.
It was a few days ago when we were praparing for our state and local elections. I was heading out to vote and then I saw a flash of light, and a portal opened. Out from this came three earthlings. One was quite tall and had short hair. The other was some what tall with a very interesting way of speaking. The third was on the short side, and looked like a mushroom.
Then i heard a shoud "This is Purgatory!" I was amazed. could this be the day we are finaly discovered? Later more and more people had found us and each came with a bowl of soup. They quickly adapted the laws and ways of Purgatory. Now back to business. We here in Purgatory are in the middle of a recession. We could like a bailout. We have seen how well you have managed to ruin, er-um help your Auto Industry by robbing-i mean using money given to you by the tax payers.
We are a prime economic giant and if we were to go under the world would suffer around the globe. I hope you and your economic team will see to do this and help out.
--Sincerley,
St. Peter
Purgatory Representative Dist. #5
Sunday, June 7, 2009
We Must Tell the World
Arthur Simmons writing.
My friends, it seems that you've all finally come to believe that the indoor pool discovered at our swim party is not just any old pool, but Purgatory! Now, it seems that all of you truly believe this, but there are a couple of things that make me that there are others who don't.
First of all, Maxwell, Draw, Benny-J, and myself all tried to convince others who were in Purgatory that it was Purgatory. When people entered, we would say, "Welcome to Purgatory," and when they left we would say, "You are now leaving Purgatory." We also tried to tell the old people swimming that they were in Purgatory. Unfortunately, NO ONE BELIEVED US! We even told Maxwell's mother that we had gone to Purgatory. She took it as a joke, saying things like, "Are you better because of it?" and, "Did you meet any friends there?" Other adults said similar things.
This is an issue of national, if not international, concern. The world must know that we have found the entrance to Purgatory. Also, from this blog, it appears that there's another man named Mark Greenman who has died and is now stuck in Purgatory. His story must be made public, as well. Not to forget the fact that it truly pains me heart to see all the old people swimming like snails in that pool, not knowing that they could be swimming for a very, very, VERY long time.
Anyone who can attest to the fact that we have found Purgatory, please do so. Beware, however, that there will be lots of media and religious authorities who will want to investigate this. No doubt the Vatican will send a number of their clergy to look into this matter more deeply. Be prepared for this.
If any of you do write on this blog about your experiences in Purgatory, please don't forget to leave your name. This is Arthur Simmons, signing off.
My friends, it seems that you've all finally come to believe that the indoor pool discovered at our swim party is not just any old pool, but Purgatory! Now, it seems that all of you truly believe this, but there are a couple of things that make me that there are others who don't.
First of all, Maxwell, Draw, Benny-J, and myself all tried to convince others who were in Purgatory that it was Purgatory. When people entered, we would say, "Welcome to Purgatory," and when they left we would say, "You are now leaving Purgatory." We also tried to tell the old people swimming that they were in Purgatory. Unfortunately, NO ONE BELIEVED US! We even told Maxwell's mother that we had gone to Purgatory. She took it as a joke, saying things like, "Are you better because of it?" and, "Did you meet any friends there?" Other adults said similar things.
This is an issue of national, if not international, concern. The world must know that we have found the entrance to Purgatory. Also, from this blog, it appears that there's another man named Mark Greenman who has died and is now stuck in Purgatory. His story must be made public, as well. Not to forget the fact that it truly pains me heart to see all the old people swimming like snails in that pool, not knowing that they could be swimming for a very, very, VERY long time.
Anyone who can attest to the fact that we have found Purgatory, please do so. Beware, however, that there will be lots of media and religious authorities who will want to investigate this. No doubt the Vatican will send a number of their clergy to look into this matter more deeply. Be prepared for this.
If any of you do write on this blog about your experiences in Purgatory, please don't forget to leave your name. This is Arthur Simmons, signing off.
From Joke to Jesus waiting land
Malky Gregarione reporting.
At first, I thought it was a joke. I was at the pool party, watching my friends Maxwell and Arthur run in and out of indoor pool area they deemed "Purgatory." When it was first discovered, the Purgatory believers, or "Purgatorians" as they called themselves, had fun with the idea that Purgatory existed in an Earthbound health club where senior citizens swam at the pace of a snail. The Purgatorians flitted around, laughing like monkeys who had stumbled upon a golden banana. Quickly, however, the playfulness in their eyes gave way to nervous fear, then to solemn certainty that this indoor pool was purgatory headquarters.
I observed them go through this transition, from giddy to aghast, not thinking much of it. Then I read their disturbing blog entries depicting the absolutely horrifying aspects of purgatory, and I, too, became a Purgatorian. I cannot deny their eyewitness reports. I saw the same things they saw, but with an ignorant mind. I made no assumptions or connections.
I had always thought of Purgatory as that place in the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go. You know, the waiting place, where "everyone is just waiting." Now, the waiting place and the indoor pool are obviously very similar. Purgatory exists in this health club. I am sure.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
A Letter to Arthur Simmons from Mark Greenman
Arthur Simmonds,
I appreciate your letter and all it's sentiments, but it was the wrong day to send it. Actually, it was more like the wrong day for me to receive it. See, this morning was the worst day, week, whatever of my friggin short life!
Okay, first I'm going to give you some more info about my Purgatory. As I've discovered, most of the time, Purgatory covers at least the city that this health club is in. Even the outdoor pool. I actually went out there once. The weather was pretty nice. It was around the 70s Farenheight (don't know how to spell that word) and a little breezy. Once, I got in there and started swimming, hoping that I could possibly pass by the rest of my possibly-eternal-possibly-not life in Purgatory swimming there. For some reason, I can only swim so long before I get bored. Swimming is fun and all, but I can't do the same thing for days on end. It gets really boring.
See, that's what you don't get, Arthur... Peace. Is. Boring. I don't know how the old people do it for so long.
Anyway, let me explain why today was the worst day of my life. It's been about a week since I came here (I know that the blog archive says it came a day later, but time passes differently in Purgatory). So, I was just sitting in the hot tub, very bored. The heat was kind of making me dizzy, which was fun, so I just sat there. Anyway, when I started to feel nauseated, I got out of the hot tub (I'd thrown up too many times for it to be fun). So, I walked by the windows to go to the pool when I looked up and saw a huge crowd around the outside pool. At first, I was a bit confused. I was wondering if like a school bus went off a cliff or something because they were all kids like me. Then, I recognized one of the faces. It was one of my earthly friends, Rohario Mohalez (I don't think that's his real name. I take Spanish and I know the way he pronounces it does not match up with the way it's spelled. I'm not sure, but I think he may be running from the Russian mafia or something. It couldn't be the American mafia, seeing as he'd be trying to hide from the American mafia in America. I'm pretty sure he's not that dumb. But hey, it's been known to happen.)
Sorry about that tangent, I'm trying to distract myself from the horrible sadness that's taken me over. Anyway, I started paying close attention to the faces, and recognized them all. They were all from my school! I realized that they were having the School's Out! pool party. A black banner caught my eye. It read "In Memory of Mark Greenman". Everyone out there was really sad, I could tell. But me, I was ecstatic. Here it was! My chance to enter the real world and see my friends again! I ran to the door and reached out to push it open. Still running, I put all my weight behind my hands as they hit the door. The door didn't move an inch. My elbows buckled and my momentum propelled the rest of my body into the door. CRASH! My face hit the door last, before my whole body bounced backward. I tipped over onto the ground. I could feel blood rushing out of my nose; it was broken. I got up, dazed. Then I ran at the door again. It didn't move. I pushed the door, I kicked it, I punched it. I pounded the door over and over again. I started crying. I didn't care. All I wanted was to be with my friends again.
"Let me out!" I screamed. "Let me out, please!" I continued pounding. "LET ME OUT!" I pounded on that door for a long time. My arms grew tired, but I kept pounding. My throat burned, but I kept screaming. I was desperate to be in the real world. I'd never wanted anything more than this. My vision blurred, and I felt myself fall to the ground and fade away...
When I woke up, they were gone. I couldn't move, I was so physically and emotionally spent. I just laid there for what seemed like an eternity...
Checking the blog, I can't imagine trying to make good out of this situation. Maybe later, but not now...
Sincerely,
Mark Greenman
I appreciate your letter and all it's sentiments, but it was the wrong day to send it. Actually, it was more like the wrong day for me to receive it. See, this morning was the worst day, week, whatever of my friggin short life!
Okay, first I'm going to give you some more info about my Purgatory. As I've discovered, most of the time, Purgatory covers at least the city that this health club is in. Even the outdoor pool. I actually went out there once. The weather was pretty nice. It was around the 70s Farenheight (don't know how to spell that word) and a little breezy. Once, I got in there and started swimming, hoping that I could possibly pass by the rest of my possibly-eternal-possibly-not life in Purgatory swimming there. For some reason, I can only swim so long before I get bored. Swimming is fun and all, but I can't do the same thing for days on end. It gets really boring.
See, that's what you don't get, Arthur... Peace. Is. Boring. I don't know how the old people do it for so long.
Anyway, let me explain why today was the worst day of my life. It's been about a week since I came here (I know that the blog archive says it came a day later, but time passes differently in Purgatory). So, I was just sitting in the hot tub, very bored. The heat was kind of making me dizzy, which was fun, so I just sat there. Anyway, when I started to feel nauseated, I got out of the hot tub (I'd thrown up too many times for it to be fun). So, I walked by the windows to go to the pool when I looked up and saw a huge crowd around the outside pool. At first, I was a bit confused. I was wondering if like a school bus went off a cliff or something because they were all kids like me. Then, I recognized one of the faces. It was one of my earthly friends, Rohario Mohalez (I don't think that's his real name. I take Spanish and I know the way he pronounces it does not match up with the way it's spelled. I'm not sure, but I think he may be running from the Russian mafia or something. It couldn't be the American mafia, seeing as he'd be trying to hide from the American mafia in America. I'm pretty sure he's not that dumb. But hey, it's been known to happen.)
Sorry about that tangent, I'm trying to distract myself from the horrible sadness that's taken me over. Anyway, I started paying close attention to the faces, and recognized them all. They were all from my school! I realized that they were having the School's Out! pool party. A black banner caught my eye. It read "In Memory of Mark Greenman". Everyone out there was really sad, I could tell. But me, I was ecstatic. Here it was! My chance to enter the real world and see my friends again! I ran to the door and reached out to push it open. Still running, I put all my weight behind my hands as they hit the door. The door didn't move an inch. My elbows buckled and my momentum propelled the rest of my body into the door. CRASH! My face hit the door last, before my whole body bounced backward. I tipped over onto the ground. I could feel blood rushing out of my nose; it was broken. I got up, dazed. Then I ran at the door again. It didn't move. I pushed the door, I kicked it, I punched it. I pounded the door over and over again. I started crying. I didn't care. All I wanted was to be with my friends again.
"Let me out!" I screamed. "Let me out, please!" I continued pounding. "LET ME OUT!" I pounded on that door for a long time. My arms grew tired, but I kept pounding. My throat burned, but I kept screaming. I was desperate to be in the real world. I'd never wanted anything more than this. My vision blurred, and I felt myself fall to the ground and fade away...
When I woke up, they were gone. I couldn't move, I was so physically and emotionally spent. I just laid there for what seemed like an eternity...
Checking the blog, I can't imagine trying to make good out of this situation. Maybe later, but not now...
Sincerely,
Mark Greenman
Friday, June 5, 2009
A Letter to Mark Greenman from Arthur Simmons
Dear Mark Greenman,
I would first like to extend my most sincere apologies for what is happening to you. I don't know how or why you are apparently dead and stuck in Purgatory while for us it is some kind of real location on the Earth that we can enter and exit at will. Second, if you're Purgatory is anything like the one here, which it seems to be, I wouldn't see the situation as entirely negative. It's nice, warm, and peaceful. Perhaps you should try making a settlement in the room with the pool. Also, you made the comment that you will have to watch old guys swim for an eternity. If Catholicism is right about this, and it's been right so far, then Purgatory is not eternal. You will eventually be released into Heaven (for more information on this, ask the great theologian Maxwell.) I am curious, though, how you are able to access the Internet in Purgatory. It seems like something not permissible here (read pt. 2 of my blog for the moral rules of living in Purgatory.) Please keep in touch with us and let us know if anything comes up.
Sincerely,
Arthur Simmons.
I would first like to extend my most sincere apologies for what is happening to you. I don't know how or why you are apparently dead and stuck in Purgatory while for us it is some kind of real location on the Earth that we can enter and exit at will. Second, if you're Purgatory is anything like the one here, which it seems to be, I wouldn't see the situation as entirely negative. It's nice, warm, and peaceful. Perhaps you should try making a settlement in the room with the pool. Also, you made the comment that you will have to watch old guys swim for an eternity. If Catholicism is right about this, and it's been right so far, then Purgatory is not eternal. You will eventually be released into Heaven (for more information on this, ask the great theologian Maxwell.) I am curious, though, how you are able to access the Internet in Purgatory. It seems like something not permissible here (read pt. 2 of my blog for the moral rules of living in Purgatory.) Please keep in touch with us and let us know if anything comes up.
Sincerely,
Arthur Simmons.
THIS IS PISSING ME OFF!
Hi guys. I'm the first guy, by the way. Sorry about the confusion, we'll post our names from now on. I'm Mark, by the way, Mark Greenman. Anyway, let me start by giving you guys a little bit of info I've learned about Purgatory:
IT SUCKS!!!!! I mean, I ran for miles through an empty city before I figured out that this was actually PURGATORY! Then, I had to run all the way back to the health club/purgatory headquarters. Once there, I went into the locker room, locked myself in the stall, and screamed my head off. Eventually I lost my voice. Didn't matter, because apparently no one TALKS IN PURGATORY!!!!!!!!!! I mean, after that old dude told me where I was, no one talked to me. They just sit in chairs, swim like turtles (I'm trying to be P.C., you know what I'd say), and DON'T TALK!
Another piece of info: Somehow, we do get internet in Purgatory. Ask me how, my answer will be, "Do not know, bugger off!" The only thing is, this internet has the speed of dial-up divided by ten! It's slower than death. It literally took me ten minutes to connect to this page. I guess cross God-land internet is pretty slow. Anyway, I needed some way to get my emotions out without destroying my voice (again), so I blogged to you guys. Thanks for listening!
Info #3: I checked the blog later, and discovered that other people had posted to it. I read their posts, and got really, really, MAD! So, when I went to purgatory, I had to get hit by a bus (that's just my guess, not actual, proven fact) to get to Purgatory! I had to die! I'll never see my friends again! In return, I get to watch old guys swim in a frickin pool for all of eternity (with this attitude, I don't think I'll be "moving on"). The "others" seem to be able to come and go as they please. Well, HOW NICE FOR YOU! I hope you're reading this, other people, because if I see a kid sitting by those windows telling me "Welcome to Purgatory" I will slap him until he cries! But, since I've never seen them, I'm guessing that they're in a different Purgatory. Lucky them!
Have a GREAT LIFE, cause I won't!
-Mark Greenman
P.S. "Others," please sign your names when you post, even though the readers could probably differentiate between my uncontrollable rage and your "sense of adventure."
IT SUCKS!!!!! I mean, I ran for miles through an empty city before I figured out that this was actually PURGATORY! Then, I had to run all the way back to the health club/purgatory headquarters. Once there, I went into the locker room, locked myself in the stall, and screamed my head off. Eventually I lost my voice. Didn't matter, because apparently no one TALKS IN PURGATORY!!!!!!!!!! I mean, after that old dude told me where I was, no one talked to me. They just sit in chairs, swim like turtles (I'm trying to be P.C., you know what I'd say), and DON'T TALK!
Another piece of info: Somehow, we do get internet in Purgatory. Ask me how, my answer will be, "Do not know, bugger off!" The only thing is, this internet has the speed of dial-up divided by ten! It's slower than death. It literally took me ten minutes to connect to this page. I guess cross God-land internet is pretty slow. Anyway, I needed some way to get my emotions out without destroying my voice (again), so I blogged to you guys. Thanks for listening!
Info #3: I checked the blog later, and discovered that other people had posted to it. I read their posts, and got really, really, MAD! So, when I went to purgatory, I had to get hit by a bus (that's just my guess, not actual, proven fact) to get to Purgatory! I had to die! I'll never see my friends again! In return, I get to watch old guys swim in a frickin pool for all of eternity (with this attitude, I don't think I'll be "moving on"). The "others" seem to be able to come and go as they please. Well, HOW NICE FOR YOU! I hope you're reading this, other people, because if I see a kid sitting by those windows telling me "Welcome to Purgatory" I will slap him until he cries! But, since I've never seen them, I'm guessing that they're in a different Purgatory. Lucky them!
Have a GREAT LIFE, cause I won't!
-Mark Greenman
P.S. "Others," please sign your names when you post, even though the readers could probably differentiate between my uncontrollable rage and your "sense of adventure."
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